It turns out that the author of this article, Drew Magary, is a Vikings fan. Bwahahaha 
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Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Minnesota Vikings
Drew Magary
http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-minnesota-vikings-1627870556
Some people are fans of the Minnesota Vikings. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Minnesota Vikings. This 2014 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
Your team: Minnesota Vikings
Your 2013 record: 5-10-1. And what a 5-10-1! No one squeezes as much misery out of five wins as the Vikings do. The best part of the season was a miracle catch-and-run by Cord Patterson……which was immediately followed by the defense somehow allowing Joe Flacco to drive the entire length of the field to score the winning touchdown in the span of 30 freaking seconds.
The Vikings had a statistically estimated
0% chance of losing that game after Patterson's touchdown. And they lost. They also lost to Cleveland. They beat the Skins despite taking timeouts to rest the defense WHILE the Skins were out of timeouts and trying to drive down for the winning score. They blew a victory in Green Bay and ended up tying Matt Flynn. The most disruptive player turned out to be the ex-punter.
And the Vikings signed Josh Freeman and started him
right away on
MNF even though Freeman had NO IDEA what he was doing, which resulted in Mike Tirico openly saying that both the Vikings and Giants "stink". No need for ESPN-mandated diplomacy. It was all out in the open, the worst
Monday Night Football game I have ever seen in my lifetime. This dreadful slog resulted in the shitcanning of reanimated pile of popsicle sticks Leslie Frazier and the hiring of…
Your coach: Mike Zimmer. I TOLD YA THIS freaking QUARTERBACK RUNS!
I'm kind of alarmed his players didn't already know that. Anyway, part of me is happy that the Vikings hired a well-respected defensive coordinator who has actual, visual signs of a personality. And then there is another part of me that is afraid that the Vikings just hired Greg Schiano's dad.
(DISCLOSURE: I am a Vikings fan, which means nothing to you.) Zimmer was passed over for many head coaching jobs because he was known as a poor interview, which almost certainly means that he was a DNA rifle. Zimmer's staff includes defensive coordinator George Edwards (who was fired from same job in Buffalo and replaced with Dave Wannstedt) and offensive coordinator… Oh God… Oh God no, please… No please, don't tell me…
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(multiple self-inflicted facial stab wounds)
The standard narrative on Norv Turner is that he's a crappy head coach and a great coordinator. Well, it turns out that's a lie, and that Norv sucks at
EVERYTHING! Be still my heart! Norv is still riding the coattails of the 1990s Cowboys, who could have flourished with Andy Dick calling the plays. It's 2014. The offensive strategy of "run the ball 45 times and have Michael Irvin push off everyone" is now somewhat dated.
Your quarterback: Matt Cassel, who was clearly the best quarterback over Christian Ponder and Freeman last season, which is like being the tastiest option on a Guy Fieri menu. In the past three years, Cassel has thrown 27 TDs and 30 INTs. Oh yay. To make an inevitable 4-12 season look like the foundation of something better (it never is), the Vikings drafted Teddy Bridgewater with the final pick of the first round. Bridgewater has already openly worried that he's
o overthinking every freaking play.
You know who else worried about that? The last arsehole QB we drafted in the first round. Great. freaking great. Beautiful. Why can't we draft an IDIOT? Is it really that hard? Johnny Manziel was there for the taking and he can't even read unless you write stuff out in lines of coke. I want THAT guy. I want all balls and no brain, thank you.
I was watching the draft, and when Manziel fell to the Vikings draft slot, I was thinking to myself, "Nice! We got ourselves a playmaker, by God!" And then, Mike Mayock started going on and on about linebacker Anthony Barr, and I was sitting there being like, "No no no. Stop talking about the other guy, you freaking tipping arsehole." And then they drafted Barr and I wanted to die.
Now, this was all probably fine decision making on the Vikings part. I'm just recounting this story because freak Mike Mayock.
What's new that sucks: The stadium! Yes, the Metrodome has been demolished and will be replaced with a fancy
new stadium for Minnesotans to openly shun. FUN FACT: Minnesotans deem themselves too good for pretty much everything except Hawaiian pizza. The new Vikings stadium will come with a clear roof that will cause the deaths of
thousands of birds simply by existing. So I'd like to thank the Vikings for supplying me with the greatest metaphor ever for Minnesotan
passive aggression.
Audubon Society Calls New Vikings Stadium "A Death Trap" For Birds
That fancypants stadium won't be ready for two years. Once finished, it will hold a Super Bowl that will be attended almost exclusively by white business people.
In the meantime, the Vikings get to play all of their home games over at TCF Bank Stadium. You might remember TCFBS (my acronym, don't steal it) as the stadium the Vikings were forced to play in after the Metrodome collapsed in 2010. Brett Favre played his final play on this field. Let's see how that went!
Yup, it killed him. Great. freaking awesome. We're gonna spend two horrible years in a stadium designed to kill every last player on the roster. Adrian Peterson will be made entirely of titanium screws by the time this is all over.
On the field, the Vikings overhauled an atrocious pass defense by bringing in Captain Munnerlyn from Carolina and signing backup defensive end Everson Griffen (5.5 sacks) to an insane deal that will pay him $20 million guaranteed. For the past few years, you could count on the Vikings sporting a decent defensive line with Kevin Williams and Jared Allen (and Pat Williams, back when he was still playing). That line has fallen apart and Griffen was wildly overpaid just to make it look like that formidable front four is still somewhat intact. Our other big defensive line acquisition was just
shot in the leg. And yes, I say "we" and "our" when discussing this team, because I'm the worst.
By the way, our owner was found guilty of
legitimate racketeering. I know I make jokes about Dan Snyder and Jimmy Haslam being crooks. But my team has a CONVICTED crook at the helm. There's no shade to it. In shocking news, the Vikings had already broken ground on their new stadium when the judgment was handed down. No backsies!
What has always sucked: This is the crappy team and criminal organization that
Vikings fans like me deserve. These people never get excited about anything except when they have a chance to whisper "I hear it's very Jewish" under their breath to other people. They can't get enough of that. Minnesotans are as fickle as Sun Belt-area fans, without the justifiable excuse of having better things to do.
They hate everything and everyone, and if you aren't from Minnesota they'll treat you as if you aren't even there. You may as well be a freaking ghost. It's like you speak a whole other language if you didn't grow up six blocks from the Hansenjohnsons in White Bear Lake. The most exciting thing about Minnesota is when people get shot there in various iterations of
Fargo.
We are a fake people. That includes me, too. Imagine a state populated entirely by real estate agents. That's Minnesota. If I see a Packers fan in a bar, I'm courteous and jokey, and then I run to my computer five minutes later to be like I JUST SAW THE BIGGEST DIPSHIT AT THE BAR. That's me. Fake as crap. Minnesota did this to me. And now you know.
What might not suck: Patterson is a freaking stud and Adrian Peterson is the greatest running back ever and if you think otherwise I WILL END YOU.
