Week One Power Rankings
1. Broncos (1-0): The Manning family dreads games played between Peyton and Eli. Peyton shouldn’t; he’s 2-0 against his little brother.
2. 49ers (1-0): Jim Harbaugh’s rope-a-dope worked on the Packers. It will be a little harder to pull it off against the Seahawks.
3. Texans (1-0): Good teams become great teams when they find a way to overcome major deficits away from home.
4. Seahawks (1-0): Winning on the road during the regular season could be the key to playing more games at home in the postseason.
5. Eagles (1-0): Here’s a shock — the high-gear, full-time, no-huddle offense can build a lead, and it has trouble holding a lead.
6. Packers (0-1): Losing to the 49ers on the road in Week One is better than losing to them at home in Week One. So 2013 is already a notch better than 2012.
7. Ravens (0-1): Is it too late to give the 49ers their sixth-round pick back for Anquan Boldin?
8. Saints (1-0): Asshole Face is back? Check. Drew Brees is still on the team? Check. The defense can’t be any worse? Check. Win over Falcons at home? Boom.
9. Patriots (1-0): So when do the defensive players start playing a little offense?
10: Falcons (0-1): The Falcons would have been 1-0 if their former basketball player could have come down with a late rebound.
11. Lions (1-0): Reggie Bush says the team is just scratching the surface. And Lions fans have had an itch they can’t quite reach for a long, long time.
12. Bears (1-0): We won’t really know about this team until it encounters adversity and Jay Cutler shoves someone.
13. Bengals (0-1): Remember when Joey Porter’s pit bulls got loose and killed that horse? On Monday night, James Harrison will be playing the role of the pit bull — and Ben Roethlisberger will be playing the role of the horse.
14. Cowboys (1-0): Just like last year, Dallas beat the Giants to start the season. The Cowboys hope the next 15 games unfold differently.
15. Colts (1-0): A close, come-from-behind win is still a win. Just like it was last year. Seven times.
16. Giants (0-1): Maybe the best way to prevent turnovers against the Broncos will be, to borrow a phrase from the Eli-Peyton DirecTV video, to put the “football in your pants.”
17. Rams (1-0): And the Rams are now 5-1-1 in the NFC West under Jeff Fisher.
18. Vikings (0-1): The lack of a competent passing game will prevent the Vikings from staying within a score of the many other teams who have one.
19. Chiefs (1-0): The only thing missing from the pantsing of Tyson Jackson was an announcer exclaiming that it was a “disgusting act!”
20. Redskins (0-1): Annnnnnd that’s why a quarterback should play at least one game in the preseason.
21. Cardinals (0-1): Already, they’re alone in the basement of the best division in football. Hooray?
22. Dolphins (1-0): Mike Wallace apparently would rather catch a bunch of passes and lose than catch one and win.
23. Titans (1-0): Bud Adams wrapped a couple of Terrible Towels around his middle fingers.
24. Chargers (0-1): San Diego fans will complain about being in this spot because of the lead that was built over the Texans. But only bottom-third teams are bad enough to blow leads like that.
25. Bills (0-1): They know how to knock on the door. They still can’t find the knob.
26. Raiders (0-1): Has any NFL team ever been happier about being 0-1?
27. Panthers (0-1): Playing a good team close at home no longer will cut it in Carolina.
28. Jets (1-0): Someone should register the trademark for “We won’t be 0-16!”
29. Steelers (0-1): Someone should register the trademark for “B-b-but we still have six rings!”
30. Buccaneers (0-1): Lavonte David’s gaffe cost the team a win; the absence of a competent offense cost the team an easy win.
31. Browns (0-1): The management can change, but the output at the Factory of Sadness remains the same.
32. Jaguars (0-1): Even Tim Tebow could have led this offense to zero points.
